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April 13, 2007

We (Heart) NY, but...

What is up with this city and 11 PM?   Lots of "liquor" stores open later, but they're all selling beer and "wine product."  The real liquor stores apparently close at 11 PM on the dot. Maybe a little earlier.  Yeah, we're talking to you Mr. Bad Toupee counting out your cash drawer and pretending you can't see us at the door waving money!

So we end up at another "Liquor" store, which is advertising "imported wine and beer."  Of course, if you examine the label of the wine bottle it reads something like

California Merlot
(Wine Product)

And we're all thinking, "of course it's a Wine Product. What other kind of product would it be."  Unfortunately we're not thinking "Hey, wine product sounds like meat product, like on Vienna sausages.  And they fucking suck ass.  We should not buy this wine product thing."

And so we feel the need to warn you about this wine product.  It is not wine.  It is something like you might imagine taking a bottle of grape juice, and stacking it up beside some nice bottles of wine, kind of like you want it to get the idea of what it is supposed to be like.  Not realizing that this technique, sound as it might appear, has no hope in hell of creating anything drinkable, much less worthy of your money.

And speaking of money.  $15 a bottle for that crap!  FUCK!  Now we know we should have read the label a little closer, but come on! 

Beware the Wine Product.

  Yes, this evening's entry was written on free wi-fi while consuming $8.50 a glass merlot until we could think of something to write.  It's not at all easy thinking of something to write every fucking day.  And yes, sometimes liquor helps.  It helped Hemingway, Fitzgerald, Hunter Thompson, and scores of other guys who knew just how to pound out more words than they needed, but exactly when they needed them.  That is, all of them except Hemingway.  He wrote like each word cost him money. Guess that's why we liked him best.  Thompson is number two.  You might guess that makes Fitzgerald third, but you'd be wrong. Fitzgerald was a creep.  Harlan Ellison is number three, but we're pretty sure he's that weird without any foreign substances involved.  This is a great vacation. Yeah, we'll have another glass... leave the bottle...  

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