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February 26, 2005
Gummi Fuck Heads
Another example of the elimination of any kind of "out there" creativity through the rampant drive for mediocrity and niceness.
Kraft foods produced a harmless little gummi variant candy - road kill animals; snakes and such with tire tracks imprinted on them. Hey, we wanted some immediately!
Now anyone who had driven more than a day or so knows that road kill is neither a myth, or an act of violence. It's just one of those "shit happens" things. And it's not like the American Eagle or California Condor is the victim of road kill. For the most part it's vermin and reptiles. Not cuddly stuff.
But the New Jersey Animal-Rights activist group saw this candy as an act of violence against animals and threatened Kraft with protests, letter writing and other moronic hand-wringing. Typical loser stuff.
And Kraft caved. They're pulling the product off the market (as soon as current inventories are depleted. Translation: As soon as we put our private supply up on eBay.)
Chalk another victory up for the dumbing-down of America.
So, by the numbers on this lunacy:
Hey New Jersey, it's candy - not real animals. Going after the animal crackers next? How about all those horrifying road-kill cookbooks? Gingerbread men?
Hey Kraft - Grow some cahones or just stick to Kraft meals. We're going to boycott your orange cheese products until you bring out a variation of the road-kill candy that features animal-rights figures.
eBay, more profit to you due to all the idiot special interests. You have to be loving the parochial and tree-hugging special interests invested in driving anything "fun" out of the market, and onto your auction site.
Current average eBay price for a 5oz bag of KRAFT Gummi Road Kill Candy: $10.
A long delayed opening...
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